汇丰银行商务写作教程（19）

只是将信件写得简洁明了还是不够的，语言也是一个重要的因素：你的用语要够“现代”，才能更好地沟通。

Being Clear and Concise: Is It Enough? 

The letter below is clear and concise. But there still is a problem. Do you know what it is?

22 April 200X

Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT

Dear Ms Green

Phone Payment Service (PPS)

I refer to your telephone enquiry yesterday.

I would like to advise you of the details.

We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.

If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Yours sincerely

Clever Man

Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch

Using Modern English: Why Do It 

The letter still contains some "old-fashioned business English".

Look at the last paragraph of the letter.

"Thank you for your kind attention."

Does this sentence look familiar? Have you ever read - or written - this sentence at the end of a letter? Have you ever thought what this sentence means?

This remark only tells the reader two things:

l         that they need to read the letter "kindly" (how does the reader do that?)

l         that they need to read the letter "attentively" (again, how does the reader do that?).

It seems that the writer only wants the reader to read the letter...and not do anything else.

This sentence is an example of old-fashioned business English. There are many other examples, but, we shouldn't use any of them!

In all of your business writing, you should use plain and modern English. Your readers will like it. You'll also show that you represent a modern company.

Using Modern English: How To Do It  

Study the table below. Avoid the old-fashioned expressions. Use only the modern words and phrases.

Old-fashioned  

Modern

acknowledge receipt of 

I have received

advise 

inform/tell

assuring you of our best attention at all times 

(nothing)

as per your request 

as you requested

attached herewith please find 

I have attached

captioned 

(nothing)

deem 

believe / consider

due to the fact that 

because / as

Esteemed Sir 

Dear Sir

to forward  

to send

at your earliest convenience 

(exact date)

hereby/ herein/ herewith 

(nothing)

in compliance with your request 

as you requested

kindly 

please

permit me to say 

(nothing)

prior to 

before

pursuant to 

after

queries 

questions

under separate cover 

separately

we beg to remain 

(nothing)

with regard to 

regarding

In his letter to Fiona Green, Clever Man included some old-fashioned business English.

In his second paragraph (where he stated his purpose for writing), he wrote

I would like to advise you of the details.

If you revised that sentence to make it more modern, you could write

I would like to tell you the details.

In his last paragraph (the concluding remark), Clever Man wrote

Thank you for your kind attention.

If you revised that remark to make it more modern, you could write

I look forward to hearing from you.

Both of these revisions show good customer service. Both revisions also sound natural, don't they? They sound as if you're speaking with the customer face-to-face.

This is the final revision of the letter. Compare it with the original letter on the right, and remind yourself of the revision strategies that you've learned so far.

FINAL

22 April 200X

Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT

Dear Ms Green

Phone Payment Service (PPS)

I refer to your telephone enquiry yesterday.

I would like to tell you the details.

We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.

If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely

Clever Man

Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch

ORIGINAL

22 April 200X

Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT

Dear Ms Green

PPS

I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. Thank you for your kind attention.

Yours sincerely

Clever Man

Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch

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